I recentyly started praying and The first time I did, i was reminded of what my mum used to say about distractions and mind wander happening during prayer being the devil. I began and enter the prayer with clarity and intention and the last time i was naked with my lover entered my mind and I travelled into my memories

it lasted the whole time but I moved on so I prayed again the next night

I thought of him again and it was the only time i thought of him, only when i was praying at night

I know the act of being with your lover is inherently spirtual so have I always been devout?

I've been asking myself long and deep questions about my faith in 'things' this ramadhan, the faith in myself, others, mother or god, i've been experncing the instinctual push and pull of self-existence.

I'm wondering if I've been close and in communion with myself all this time. could the anxiety of feeling disconnected just've been self-doubt/sabotage? it's not unlikely. I love intimacy and i have been wounded by the seeming rejection of tenderness the world is comfortably heading towards.

I enjoy kissing the highs of someone's face, and brows and nose bridges. tracing knuckles and stroking wrists. it seems the world, the external one is afraid of that. I'm sensing the internal and celestial worlds aren't.

suprisingly, I feel reasured by the memories i experienced during prayer, equally as I am reassured by a hug.